Kanye West launches new personal lubricant.

Kanye West has launched a range of personal lubricants under the brand name SLYDE today in Los Angeles.

In a press conference. He outlined his vision for the brand.

“A lotta people like to hit skins listening to my music. My music has always been a kinda sexual lubricant. SLYDE let’s you have a threesome with me as the third ingredient.”

“We was gonna call it Fruitslide but we wanted more of a fashion statement, so we hit on the fact people wanna fuck in style. Wearing me on your naked body is like a silky slip ‘n’ slide with style. The name SLYDE simply felt right.”

Kanye explained his plan to expand the brand with innovative technology.

“In a few months we’ll be launching a range of vibrating dildos cast in silicone as an accurate portrayal of my physical form. My nerds back at the lab have found a way to make these dildos vibrate exclusively to my tracks.”

When asked if this latest product was egotistical, Kayne responded.

“Haters gonna hate. Now they can go fuck themselves with me as the lube.”

Whydin + Kenny G Portland have been appointed the advertising account after a competitive threesome.

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Microsoft rebrands BING into stoner search engine, BONG

After struggling to loosen the grip of search giant Google, Microsoft has launched a search engine aimed at stoners. Microsoft Bong. The rebrand was designed by prestigious Sydney design agency MrFROSTY*

Microsoft head of search, Michael Soft has this to say about the project.

“We’re not pro dope, we’re pro humans. Our research lab identified that 27% of Internet searches are conducted by people who are stoned. We’ve optimised the A.I. In the UX to enhance the stoned effect heightening the users experience and delivering them millions of cat videos and fail compilations in milliseconds.”

The search engineers were slightly paranoid about leaking the beta link for testing but are optimistic they’ll find it somewhere.

New show on channel 10.0 pulled after contestant is beaten to death live on Ultimate Fat Club

New show on channel 10.0 pulled after contestant is beaten to death live on Ultimate Fat Club, or UFC.

The show, described as Biggest Loser meets ultimate fighting, premiered six months ago to all time high ratings.

The show’s contestants began weighing an average of 180kilos and were trained by Brazilian jujitsu experts and Thai kickboxing masters.

The dramatic before and after transformations of the contestants has been criticised as unsustainable, uncool, uneasy, unfunny, unbelievable and unethical.

After a tough training regime the final showdown, was broadcast live and saw Mad Dog Steve Dillon rip the throat out of Cynthia steel smith causing her to be less than alive.

Men’s fragrance Sphinx exhumes pheromones from dead ‘top shaggers’

SPHINX

Sphinx – Modern Classics range is scientifically proven to increase attraction towards men who wear it. Pheromone samples have been extracted from the dead and synthesized to recreate the musk of promiscuous men from history.

The ad campaign by Aussie agency Dingo5, shows sexy scantily clad women humping marble statues of famous men with erections. And the line – Still Got It.

The top shaggers from history were selected from historical data found on Wikipedia.

Each fragrance is named after a top shagger and comes in a bottle sculpted into a bust.

Spirit of J. F. Kennedy – they blew my brains out so she’ll blow yours.
Hum of Howard Hughes.
Eau du Giacomo Casanova. Greasy does it.
Whif of Earl of Rochester. No stranger to the taste of a Lady Sandwich
Essence of Lord Byron. Putting the man into romantic.
Abe babe magnet Lincoln splash

Bottle